Written : 04/09/2019
Updated : 20/06/2020
South African minds are currently preoccupied and astonished by rape statistics in the country. Women and children have come to a sad realisation that there really is nowhere to hide and there are no absolute precautionary measures they can take to ascertain their safety because their mere existence is an aphrodisiac for the rapists. This bewildering, gruesome awakening follows the sad discovery of Uyinene’s death, a young lady who was reported missing and was later declared on 2nd September 2019 to have been murdered. Tracing her story, it was found that she went to take a parcel from the post office, where she encountered the man who not only forced himself on her but also prematurely ended her life. This story is not the first of its nature and I can almost guarantee, not the last, unless the root cause is addressed. Her story has caused a major uproar across the Republic, yielding many strategies, attempting to address to the problem of rape in the country including vigils, protests, hashtags, handles and the like. One of the popular Twitter handles is @helpsurvivors where citizens are revealing previously concealed sexual harassment and assault cases and their perpetrators. To many people’s surprise, names of people they know and those of well-respected people including celebrities, teachers, pastors, church leaders, politicians were mentioned. People who were considered to be the epitome of how a man should behave were found on the list. What a bummer!
A conundrum hangs on our heads, Are there any men in this country?
This writing in particular serves to present the gold standard man, particularly in respect to sexual conduct, as this has proven to be quite a deficiency in the typical young man in the society. More often I allude to ‘the typical man’, a term not inclusive of every man but inclusive of majority of men within the society.
Throughout ages, it has been a norm that the typical man will, at some point in his life, have intimacy with a lady. Explanations of this intrinsic desire have been brought forward by many worldviews including Science, philosophy, religion, culture even informal friendship conversations. Dr. Robert Ford, a character in Westworld says,
“The human intellect is like peacock feathers. Just an extravagant display intended to attract a mate. All of Art, literature, a bit of Mozart, William Shakespeare, Michelangelo, and the Empire State building… just an elaborate mating ritual.”
Really though? Is that all we are? A species living just to find another strategy of courtship behaviour? The truth is many individuals and cultures have aligned themselves with this ideology in one way or another. Some have even associated manhood and masculinity with having more than one sexual partner. A man cannot really be a man if he has one or no sexual partner. The school of the porn industry has also done an excellent job in teaching and propagating a sexually minded society of people who only live to please their sexual desires.
It is true that the typical man has sexual desires, especially one who has had their first sexual encounter. Many man in cases of infidelity, sexual harassment and assault have used this as an explanation for their deeds. “A man has needs”, they’ve said. “A man has 2 heads and only enough blood to flow through 1 at a time”, they’ve also said, connoting that one has no control over their sexual desires. Is this really true?
Human beings have emotional intelligence which is the capacity to be aware of, control, and express one’s emotions, and to handle interpersonal relationships judiciously and empathetically. In simple terms it is the ability to act in the right manner, regardless of how you feel. The ability to put yourself in someone else’s shoes and act, considering how they would feel, thus superseding your own feelings or emotions. Many people lack this and they act out of their instantaneous emotions. Good news is, it is acquirable. One the most distinct features of humans beings, homo sapiens so to say, in relation to the animal kingdom is the size of frontal lobes which is relatively larger, more importantly, larger than the other parts of the brain that control vegetative behaviours such as sexual desire. This is where judgement, the willpower which is the power of self-control and other mental powers reside. One must therefore follow the ratio.
If only it were as simple as evolutionary thinking would deem. Evidence has proven that it takes more than just simple anatomy to achieve that. We cry more nowadays about rape than we ever had before.
The willpower tends to need an anchor to be effective. For one to be able to choose a plate of vegetables over a bar of chocolate, the will anchors on the knowledge that the former is healthier. Without delving into issues of a relativistic world where one can argue for the healthiness of the chocolate bar over the plate of vegetables, I would like to present an anchor for willpower when it comes to issues of sexual conduct. I staunchly believe that any active rapist or potential thereof can find help if they can be able to align their governing principles with that of the originator. Another truth is that we are creatures and our physiology is best known by the one who created us.
One religious writer writes, “The greatest want of the world is the want of men—men who will not be bought or sold, men who in their inmost souls are true and honest, men who do not fear to call sin by its right name, men whose conscience is as true to duty as the needle to the pole, men who will stand for the right though the heavens fall.
Ellen G White – Education
But such a character is not the result of accident; it is not due to special favors or endowments of Providence. A noble character is the result of self-discipline, of the subjection of the lower to the higher nature—the surrender of self for the service of love to God and man.”
Take an example of a Bible character, Joseph, where he is in a house with only him and his employer’s wife who is described to be beautiful and well structured, a vista in human form. She offers to have sex with him, the dream of the typical man. He was countless kilometres away from home with no companions, he must have been lonely. If they do this, no one will ever know. Guess what he does? He runs away! WHAT? WHY WOULD YOU RUN AWAY JOSEPH? Imagine a young man telling his story to the typical young man of our society of how he ran away when this pretty girl offered to lay him down. His normality would be in question, a laughing stock for days.
For Joseph this was not in line with his governing principles. He ran, avoiding any possibility of him yielding to his instantaneous emotions, a possible situationship as one would say. His principles as a creature were in line with those of the creator of the universe who prescribes ways of living for us in order to be in peace with each other and with him as a creator. Many who have been in similar situations have yielded to their sexual desires. Ramifications of this are broken homes, fatherless children, broken friendships, unfruitful relationships, regrets and rape victims.
A lesson for the typical man who desires to acquire emotional intelligence, particularly with sexual conduct, would be to actively avoid situations where his sexual desires would overpower him. However the most effective precautionary measure he can take is to subject his lower passions to the higher nature, that of the creator. These principles can be applied by every man. A man who is not in a relationship to keep him from yielding to sexual desire and one in a marriage relationship to restrain him from infidelity. In this context, even a man who has actually raped someone before or for whatever reason, one who feels they do have the capacity within them to be potential rapists. God awaits to extend his helping hand to anyone who needs such help.
A true man is one who is not governed by his sexual desires but one who controls his passions and emotions, taking into consideration the emotions of others as well and how his actions will affect the other person now and in the long run.
It is quite evident that this country is in dire need of the gold standard man, reference point for other men to see when it comes to matters of sexual behaviour. Be that man.
Timwritings 